A Little About Me

Here it is…finally. I finally decided I was going to start my blog.

For a long while, I contemplated whether I was ready and willing to put my life, thoughts and feelings out on the internet without knowing what would happen. I was told many times that I should tread carefully as I would have to be ready for whatever happened when I began to share my story.

After an exquisite visit with a friend today, talking about the young generation and how fearless they were in putting out content on the internet without regard as to what came from it, I decided to take the first scary step.

My intention with this is to hopefully help me in my healing process as I work through and process my own traumas, thoughts and current viewpoints on the world. I would also hope that maybe in some way, some how my story my help someone else out there who is struggling – with whatever that may be. One of my close friends has always spoken to me about intention and the power behind intentionality. Maybe it was from my upbringing or how I viewed the world, but I was always quick to judge others on their actions/choices. When he brought it up to me, I came to this awareness of looking at what an individual’s intention is and why they may have chosen to engage in said behavior or choice. This simple action has allowed me to keep an open mind and not be so quick to judge others for what they choose to do.

I want to share my story with the world – my triumphs, my successes, my traumas, my difficulties and how I am working through them. I think that this process is actually a beautiful one – every time something happens to me, good or bad, I am reminded of how I am a perfectly imperfect being. And that is okay! In a world where social media and TV is all about perfection, I have grown to be content with knowing that I am imperfect and that is okay. It also means that everyone else around me is also imperfect – no one of us better or worse than the other. Simply, on our own paths of evolution.

Given where I am in my life right now, I do not feel like I am completely understood. A big part of that being I still am working on understanding myself. And for some reason, writing helps me process my thoughts. If you could only join me in my head, most of the time I have hundreds of thoughts running through my mind at any time. Some may call that ADHD but I think it is just my mind being bombarded with so many things and trying to solve all these problems while trying to live my life, pay my bills and enjoy what I can with what I have.

What an amazing place the internet is – a platform where literally anyone who has access to a computer/mobile device can access anything at any time and share their own thoughts/feelings/pictures of their dogs or cats – or whatever it is that they share.

I also hope that maybe this blog I write can serve as a starting point to build community that is eventually transitioned from the online platform to an in-person community. I was listening to one of Oprah’s “Super Soul Conversation” podcasts and one of the guest speakers mentioned how so many of us feel lonely in this day in age as we are so consumed with trying to connect with people we do not know online, for example celebrities or these random wannabe Instagram influencers, that we forget to connect with those in our own neighborhoods, towns and cities.

As I continue to write, you will learn more about who I am and why I have these thoughts. Growing up and being gay, I always felt alienated – never a true member of the community. I would go to church and hear the priest and other parishioners talk about how “all gays should be tortured/killed and they would all end up in hell.” Can you imagine as a young child hearing and listening to this – knowing that you are that gay? Your own body is in disarray from fear, hormonal imbalances, trying to hide who you are, remembering all of your lies and then having to recognize that you are not wanted or accepted?

I even had family members who engaged in this sort of conversation and bought into this narrative. As a young child, all I yearned for was a family where I could feel safe. Now, my parents worked extremely hard to provide us with the basic necessities – I do not want what I write to take anything away from their hard work and sacrifices to ensure that my siblings and I always had food to eat, a warm place to sleep and all of the other basics we needed to thrive as children, go to college to receive a good education and eventually become hard working, kind, contributing members of society. That being said, with their own issues and problems – they probably did not even think about what I may have been going through. Now, it was also my fault for not communicating with them the pain I felt and what was going through my mind. At that time, I did not have the ability to cohesively explain my thoughts and feelings to them. I also did not feel that it was a safe space for me to do so.

My biggest fear growing up was being kicked out of my house simply for being who I was. Now, I cannot go back and say that for certainty my parents would have kicked me out, however, I had to do what I felt was best for me – that meant getting an education, securing a good job with a salary so that if I was ever ousted, I could at least provide for myself and not end up on the streets.

To this day, I struggle with figuring out a way to build a supportive community. Unfortunately, so many people are so busy with their own lives, issues and uncertainties that it makes it almost impossible for people to commit to regular meet ups, outings, etc.

So, I decided maybe it was time for me to share my story and hopefully one day a community may be created from that of individuals who also may be struggling and are as desperate in finding that community as I am. This does not mean that I do not have anyone in my life, that is a false narrative. I do have a number of very great and dear friends, however, they all have their own lives as well.

I invite you to join me in my journey as I work through my own healing process and hopefully either help you through yours or simply create a community of people who are tired of being online, following and trying to connect with those who are unknown to them and still have a need to connect with other human beings face to face.